Ain't to Proud to Scoot

People walk a lot in New York. That is not a secret. Some people do not have the capability or the time to walk far distances. That is not a secret either and actually the reason why public transportation exists. So why, oh why are people over the age of 14 scooting all over the place? The typical demographic of the scooter falls into 2 categories. The first being the most obvious...the child. A child, any child, absolutely has the right to scoot. Scoot in circles. Scoot on the sidewalks. Scoot while being yelled at by their nanny. Scoot kids for it is the only time in your life it is acceptable to do so.

It is the second group of people that disturbs me. Men and women over the age of 45. The man in the above picture is actually smoking a cig, as you can see has white hair, and is scooting through the park. At least twice a day I see people just like him scooting all over the Upper East Side. A bike? Acceptable. Roller blades? Nerdy but acceptable. A razor scooter? Total Geekdom.

Maybe I have too many guidelines to living and I am truly missing out on an amazing form of transportation. However the razor scooter is super geeky, looks amazingly unsafe, and, AND they are made for kids not geeky white haired smokers. Just sayin'.

Someone Please Tell Marie...

Someone Please Tell Marie that her hair is ri-goddamn-diculous. I'm so psyched for her weight loss and her new confidence. But that hair has GOT TO GO. She just looks straight up crazy. And like she's trying too hard. A simple, straight, age appropriate hair-do will do indeed. Oh and Marie will you also tell Kate Gosselin she needs to stop with the poor low/highlights, excessive sweep and 1990 spikes? Thanks. You chicks have money. Put it to good use.

Cougar B.S.

Okay I get it. For some, calling people cougars is still as fun as growing a mustache is for a young guy or referring to people's haircuts as mullets (now one of the most over abused words). But when a 22 year old calls a 30 year old a cougar that's just straight up incorrect. According to cougardate.com (who may have created the term) cougars are women in their forties who smoke, drink and go to clubs to pick up young men in their twenties. Cougars are usually divorced, sometimes with cubs, and financially independent.

Now that definition is all fine and well. But when they create a t.v. show around a dufus named Jules (played by Courtney Cox) who has the body and mind of a 20 year old it makes me really upset. Why? Precisely for those reasons. She's 40. She's in such amazing shape that me at age 19 would be jealous, she has a successful business, a nice son and she acts like she's new to Earth. She does stupid things like smash cinnamon buns with the bottom of a frying pan and then eats them refusing to let others see her eat this unnecessarily smashed treat. What?! She is obsessed with being BFFs with the divorced hot a$$hole neighbor named Grayson (name vomit). She is dating a 20 something and either he or she is constantly bringing up something regarding her age. Oh and the first episode she brought this guy home, proceeded to start to give him a b.j. poolside and in walks her teenage son. Gross. Really? It's prime time telly people. How about they get caught making out on the couch. Oh did I mention she's got no class?

I mean her character is self loathing, socially inept, and pretty pathetic. It seems to be this is the general character portrayal for single women in their 40's and I think it's played-out. Just like The New Adventures of Old Christine. The show is quite a bit better, I love Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and she is a hell of a lot funnier, but Christine is still pretty pathetic. Because I'm irritated I cannot think of another show that has a 40 year old single woman living a fun life sans the juvenile factor of a drunk 17 year old at a party.

Maybe because I am getting older it is a more sensitive issue for me but there have got to be people watching this show thinking the same thing. It's always good when a show makes you feel better about yourself but this pathetic, "old", single chick schtick ain't for me.

An Apple A Day...

My job is odd at best. I walk into a doctor's office, tell them I sell a "probiotic", and ask to see the physician. Normally the initial conversation goes like this:

Me: "Hi! My name is Yaya and I work for a company called XYZ".
Receptionist: "Umm. Hi."
"What are your policies on seeing Representatives?"
"What do you sell?"
"A probiotic."
"A what?"
"A probiotic. Healthy bacteria for your intestines."
"Oh. Hold on a sec. Maria! There's a Rep here."
Maria: "Hi."
Me: "Hi! My name is Yaya and I work for a company called XYZ".
"Oh hi."
"I was wondering what your policies are on seeing Reps."
"What do you have?"
"A Probiotic."
"Oh like yogurt?"
"Well a yogurt is bovine bacteria and this product is human." (Why I go into this at this point I have no idea)
"Oh. You need to schedule a lunch."
"Ok when is a good time?"
"How about November 2nd, 2010?"
"Ummm...(looking at phone schedule that took me 30 minutes to scroll to) oh ok I'm free."

It is the most bizarre job and I don't think many people would want to do it. You have to walk into a cranky office and try to get the Receptionists to like you, to want you to come to lunch. And when you finally do have lunch it is expensive and in some of the creepiest locations.

Yesterday I had lunch at a really nice OB/GYN office. When I reached the lunch room I realized that my eating area was 1 foot away from the autoclave (where they sterilize OB/GYN tools). And not only where the tools are sterilized but where they are dropped off...after each exam.

So there I am pounding lo mien, beef and broccoli, and cashew chicken when in walks Lee with some recently used who-ha exam tools. Delicious! To top it of the physician told me 4-5 times that she really wanted to talk to me and to "pleeease wait I'm so sorry I'm just really busy" (I know I saw all the exam tools). Two hours later I'm wondering if the whole office thinks I'm a total chump for keeping the autoclave company. What did I do for two hours? Smile at the Medical Assistants bringing in the tools, read my fave blog 'selfabsorbed.me', and ate my face off.

When I finally got summonsed into the doctor's office she said I'm really sorry, thank you for waiting, I'm swamped, you'll have to talk while I multitask. OooooK. So I did. She listened and I left after 45 seconds.

And do I meet hot doctors? No, they don't seem to exist.

Curtsy. That is my freaking job.

What The Hell Happened Here?

Time for another round of What The Hell Happened Here:



Yes those are cheese singles at the bottom of the pic.

Lost in The Amazon

I fell in love with a hardcover book in Barnes and Nobles. The artwork, the title, the subject. But it cost more than I wanted to spend. So I went on Amazon.com and ordered one for half the price. I was so proud of my impulsive buyer restraint. Then I got the book in the mail. Not only was it not the hardcover but the flimsy one-layer of brown paper packaging had ripped and the pages were bent. My heart instantly sunk. My mother, brother, and I love new books especially hardcovers. My brother and I stopped lending books out to people other than each other because we want them all to ourselves. The stacks on the shelf are a visual testament to our love of reading. We like the way they still look new after reading them. Therefore receiving this crap version of 'Johannes Cabal the Necromancer' made me want to openly sob in the US Post Office. I felt duped.

I decided to contact the seller and make it clear there was a misunderstanding. He wrote back stating it was my fault, that I didn't read the "description of the book". Funny because following the title was "[Hardcover]". That was when I decided to give him terrible feedback. He then proceeded to send me the following 3 emails on my personal email account (copied and pasted):

1) The item description clearly stated that it was the ADVANCE READING COPY. This is why it was brought to you at such a low price. Also, most books are not shipped in a box. If you want to make something "right," I urge you to first read the packaging slip. Thanks for your time.

2) Did you have a bad weekend or something?

3) You are probably going to win this one, but please read the item descriptions before you just click buy. Unless you did this on purpose. In which case good work.

I don't know about you but I would constitute this as harassment. I never wrote back to the guy and he continued to write me? Last night I hop on the Face Book to find a friend request. I always love the friend requests because you never know who it could be. An old friend, an ex, nope it was the book seller. Yup. The 24 year old and his wife asking me to be their friend on Face Book. Instantly a rush of fear flooded through me. This guy knows my address, email and has found me on Face Book. Does this '06 Ohio State graduate have nothing better to do in Mansfield, Ohio? Should I be expecting a Kaczynski birthday gift in the mail next? Is it a coincidence that the protagonist in the book sold his soul to the devil? Could my desire to get half off a book be considered damnable? Should I have truly thought about the subject matter and who I was buying from? Is the seller Johannes in the flesh?

My guess is he is just an arrogant, testosterone filled, married (thanks Face Book), 24 year old who thinks it's funny to harass someone who didn't get what they wanted via Amazon.

I contacted Amazon last night and had the worst customer service ever. I spent 2 hours trying to file a report. Two hours on and off the phone just trying to state that one of their sellers is a nutcase. To top it off I am awaiting the arrival of another book that I ordered 3 weeks ago. I will never ever use Amazon again. Or eBay. I don't care if this is a rare occurrence I will NEVER go through this again.

Barnes and Nobles I will pay you full price any time and I am sorry that I strayed. I learned my lesson.

P.S. Face Book is beginning to scare me