Shows That Make Us Hate our Lives

I know I made you feel pretty good about yourself on the last posting regarding shows that make us love our lives.  I feel the need to be well balanced and make you and I wish we had never been born.  Why? Because of the following:

1) The 2010 Winter Olympics.  Wow I really have done nothing with my life.  Yeah I graduated college and lived in some cool places like Costa Rica but the Olympics?!  And at least when I was younger there was always the chance that I could become an Olympian.  I mean if you get into the Olympics, what else do you have to do with your life?  My resume would simply have the Olympic rings and my name.  And I would yell "BAAAM" when I slammed it on the table.  Scratch that because I wouldn't even need a resume.  I would sell my Olympic gear to support myself.  Shit I went to buy the Ralph Lauren hat that Lindsey Vonn wore on the podium for her gold medal...it's selling for 500 bucks now.  Imagine how much she'd get for her medal winning underware?!  Creepy?  Fuck creepy, that'd be sick money. 

2) Platinum Weddings.  Because they're married?  HELL NO.  Because they spent $200,000 on FLOWERS.  Ummm...F-L-O-W-E-R-S?  And they don't even bat an eyelash.  The only thing I'm not jealous about is their lack of taste.  The most frequent request is for "bling", but all they really get are white decorations with crystal.  ZZzzz.  If I had 1.4 million to blow on a wedding you better be sure Kings of Leon will be pouring my champagne, making my guests dance, and making-out with me in shifts (sorry future hubby it's true).  I would have Jim James fly in just to sing the 'first dance' song and Lady Gaga spray fake blood all over my guests (I would buy them all new clothes).  I would also have Chelsea Handler run around heckling my guests while Alec Baldwin gives the first toast.  Jay Z and Diddy would beg to be invited.  None of this 1.4 million wasted on friggin' flowers and 'up lighting' bullshit.  Cirque du Soliel contortionists would be my centerpieces.  These rich people need a little imagination.  But I don't have $10 to put towards a wedding right now.  So for that I hate my life thanks to Platinum Weddings.

3) Rob Dyrdec's Fantasy Factory.  I can't believe I would ever want to leave his factory once I got in it.  Foam pits, the Big Cat Jazzy, an indoor zip line, Compagna T Rex racing, trampolines, skateboarding park, skateboarding dogs, and basketball nets 20+ feet up.  I keep saying there need to be giant adult playgrounds and Rob did it.  There may not be a whole lot more fun in the world than hanging out there with Rob.  In fact I may make it my mission to marry him.  Polygamy Rob?  Whatever.  As long as I can hang out and never work that's fine with me.  Shit, if the Girls Next Door can do it with a man who smells like formaldehyde, so can I.  At least Rob isn't the walking dead.  But for now he's not mine and I hate it.

4) Jersey Shore 2.  I know it's not on yet but they are now going to get paid.  You heard me.  They are getting paid to act like complete drunken a-holes.  I, on the other hand, would pay to be a part of that show.  How is it that I have had ski houses, shore houses, acted way more belligerent, and they get paid for it.  I guess 'Killington Slopes' or 'Nantucket Shore' is not as alluring.  I would start fights and make-out with the cotton candy vendor on the strip.  Pump my fist?  Beat the beat?  I'll beat the beat and every chick in the place for some $$$.  You would too, but we can't so I hate life.

5) Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations.  This dude gets to eat amazing food from all over the world and get hammered while doing it.  I know he has eaten and participated in some whacky shiz but he gets to see the world with a slight buzz.  Not a bad way to make a living.  Therefore I hate my life thanks to him.  Bastard who makes my life so hateable.