Blow on This

It has occurred to me on several foggy mornings that I probably should not have _________ (texted/FaceBooked/blogged/emailed) the night before. I've woken up and looked at my __________ (phone/computer) and realized that I had contacted someone I didn't even give a crap about because I was half in the bag. I have never said anything mean, in fact, I'm a pretty nice drunk. I don't call anyone hammered anymore I just type away. I typically have correct grammar and spelling even though I'm typing like a chimpanzee with one eye shut. And if I were to talk at that moment would be scheriously schlurring. When I'm in the mood to contact dudes I've dated there needs to be a way to stop me.

So I figured it out...I will soon patent the Phone/Computer Breathalyzer. Curtsy. The only contact you can make is to a) call the police on yourself for drunk driving, b) call 911 to let them know how angry you are that computer doesn't work and ask to speak with their IT guy c) write in your own inbox what an ass you are for trying to contact ___________ (insert name here).

Is this blog making you miss Mad Libs as much as me right now?!

Oh and while searching for drunk texting photos I stumbled upon this gem:

Just A Spoonfull of Money

Ahhh life. Makes you think sometimes: What the hell am I doing?! This recent thought came to me when I was health insurance shopping. Fun? You betcha. My COBRA from the last job I quit is about to expire in January. My current company is Canadian and doesn't understand that $400/ month only covers my lovely (oh how I will miss thee) COBRA. I found the 3 major health insurance providers in NYC. My coverage options:

$150/month: Emergency hospital care only (but reviews stated that most hospital bills they sent in were "not covered")

$450/month: $3,000 deductible, no office visits covered (so what am I paying for? I'd rather fill a swimming pool with money like Scrooge McDuck)

$1490/month: (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-vomit)

I mean what is going on in this city/world? The only way I would qualify for reduced health care is if I made under $20,000. If I made $20,000 I sure as hell wouldn't be living in NYC. This city hoses you with city taxes, $6 canned soups, and the highest rent in the country. Now they're gonna charge $1490 for one person's health insurance?! I'm 31, no major medical issues, no monthly prescriptions, I get a physical and PAP every year, and they are gonna charge me that?! I am so disgusted with the industry that I simply wanna give them the bird and start building that damn coin pool.

I mean I've always known that health insurance is expensive but New York is absurd. At least in Massachusetts there are more options, less expensive ones at that. Getting a job with benefits certainly outweighs a position with a slightly better salary. My Canadian company just has no idea.

A Vibrating What?!

Ok I'm a huge fan and frequent purchaser of all sorts of make-up. My Caboodle is so embarrassingly full that I can barely close it. With what? I have no idea. Glitter and one-use eye shadows probably. But I'm so not sold on a mascara that vibrates.

When applying mascara or waterproof liquid liner I have the precision of a surgeon. If I did not I would look like a hot mess. But to have an applicator vibrate?! I don't want anything gyrating near my eyeballs and I wonder who would? I mean look at the picture. Do you want that thing coming at your face? Does it really add that much more than my manual strokes cannot? I doubt it. I mean it sounds as logical as a vibrating lip pencil. My lips would look like this <>^>^<>^<^>^<^>^<

After watching the video I wasn't impressed. http://www.lancome-usa.com/beautyschool/videos/lush-lashes.aspx In fact it made me feel good about spending only $6 on my Great Lash. This one costs $34.

I mean wouldn't massaging 6" stilettos be a greater use of electronics? Don't go patenting that on me now.

Retired

**those are not my feet.

I'm retiring. That's right I've just decided it's time to hang up my hat and you're gonna help me.

Soooo I had this idea after realizing that there have been 6 Ad clicks on my blog and I made $3. First, thank you to those who click on the stupid ads. Now here's my plan. If each of you click on an advertisement to the right of my blog I'll eventually make enough to retire. What do you get in return? Me. I will come visit you, and entertain you like a monkey. I mean it's a win-win here people. I would sit here all day and click on the ads myself but that is illegal. I don't think I'll get arrested but I certainly won't get paid. And no one wants that.

And if you're a major contributor and can prove it, I'll bring you the gift of the Dick Towel. I mean if that doesn't send you clicking I don't know what will.

Parents make sure your kids are not in the room when you check out the precious Dick Towel. The little bird is not as aggressive as the large one. Oh, and start watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia if you don't already.

http://www.dicktowel.com/dicktowel.html

Buy

Listen, I don't work for Rolling Stone or Brooklyn Vegan and I certainly have nothing but street cred for my solid ear (and by street cred I mean self-felicitations). But you need to buy these TODAY unless you're into Enya or something ridiculous like that.

DRUMMER: I came across this band via Ohmyrockness.com. Little did I know that I was about to be fish hooked. The most well known member is Patrick Carney of The Black Keys on bass. The other members include Jamie Stillman of Teeth of the Hydra, formerly of Party of Helicopters (guitar), Jon Finley of Beaten Awake, also formerly of Party of Helicopters (vocals, guitar), Stephen Clements of Houseguest and Six Parts Seven (keys, vocals) and Greg Boyd of Ghostman and Sandman (drums). My friend Ryan classified them as "power rhythm" and rightly so being that they are all drummers from their other bands.

My brother and I saw them play at the Mercury Lounge in October. They sounded clean, tight, and just like their album. But they did not interact with the audience much.  I think some guy may have pissed them off in the front row.  But seriously just buy their album "Feel Good Together" immediately, if not sooner, and I will take your "thank you" in advance.


ROYAL BANGS: Opening for them were Royal Bangs. Holy Lord, they totally rocked my world. Great beats and unexpected rhythm shifts. My brother actually yelled out "you're a lot better than I thought you were gonna be" breaking a brief silence (not sure what would've come out of his mouth had he not loved them). The band heard him too because when we talked to them outside the guitarist actually asked him if he was the one that yelled it. They are cool guys too (at least through a beer haze they were). I do have a lil crush on the lead singer now and his voice. So don't pass by their music. Check out the songs "Brother", "Handcuff Killa", and "Poison Control". Or just buy all 3 of their albums and SEE THEM LIVE! You're welcome.


TIMBER TIMBRE: They opened for the Royal Bangs and I regretfully missed them. If you like the recent explosive revival of folksy, rural-living indie you will like these guys. Check-out "Lay Down In The Tall Grass" and "Like a Mountain". Great curl-up-by-the-fire or contemplative traveling music.

Ugh

What is the world coming to? Uggs have been "in fashion" (I use that loosely) for enough years now. They look hobbity (yes Lord of The Rings), sloppy, and should only be worn on snowy or super lazy days. I am solely talking about the tan, shapeless ones. That being said, when was it decided that it was okay for a dude to wear them in public? Regardless of sexual orientation, WHEN WAS IT DECIDED THAT IT WAS OKAY FOR A DUDE TO WEAR UGGS IN PUBLIC?! Did you get that fashion memo because I did not.

Ummm do you also love how I blatantly took a picture of the guy and his "girlfriend". I mean the guy is looking right at me and smiling. Immediately after hearing the shutter noise of my camera phone I pretended like I was actually trying to get service. I would make a terrible PI. I need to work on that.

Dear Diary,

The problem with starting a blog is that if you make it 100% anonymous you don't get the joy of sharing your posts with friends and family. The problem with announcing your blog is that you now have to remember who you invited and try not to write shit about them. You also have to monitor what/how much you are sharing. Especially if your mom and dad read it like mine do. Not that I wanna talk smack about them but that some things need editing.

There have been a few friends I have left off intentionally because my initial blogs were about them. I have somehow still managed to keep in touch with these notoriously jerky friends. And when I've had a few drinks and happen to talk to them on the phone I have to make a serious effort not to blurt out "I have a blog". In which case I would have to feign not knowing the real blog web address. Awkward and hopefully avoidable even with my big, beer-guzzling mouth.

I am truthful in most of my blogs but I certainly do not include certain details just because I know just about everyone reading this. Although I have had increasingly more hits (it's probably just my mom checking it everyday). So the question then is how much is too much? Not like I'm a closeted crystal meth addict (Agassi) but certain details of my life I share with a select few, if at all. Therefore I do feel restricted. That stuff I mostly share with my journal.

I would love to write a book and am preparing to interview my 92 year old grandmother named Harriett. She is an enigma to me. She was always just my grammy but I know nothing about her life. She can be amazingly honest and open at times and then switch to meek and tight lipped. So I am wondering how much she will be willing to share with me knowing that I will be on Oprah one day telling the nation about the life of Harriett (putting The Secret to work here people). Will she get "nervous in the service", as she loves to say, or will she freely share intimate details of her life. What would I do? Will I die and burn all my journals with me or will I choose to share them? How much sharing is too much?

Ain't to Proud to Scoot

People walk a lot in New York. That is not a secret. Some people do not have the capability or the time to walk far distances. That is not a secret either and actually the reason why public transportation exists. So why, oh why are people over the age of 14 scooting all over the place? The typical demographic of the scooter falls into 2 categories. The first being the most obvious...the child. A child, any child, absolutely has the right to scoot. Scoot in circles. Scoot on the sidewalks. Scoot while being yelled at by their nanny. Scoot kids for it is the only time in your life it is acceptable to do so.

It is the second group of people that disturbs me. Men and women over the age of 45. The man in the above picture is actually smoking a cig, as you can see has white hair, and is scooting through the park. At least twice a day I see people just like him scooting all over the Upper East Side. A bike? Acceptable. Roller blades? Nerdy but acceptable. A razor scooter? Total Geekdom.

Maybe I have too many guidelines to living and I am truly missing out on an amazing form of transportation. However the razor scooter is super geeky, looks amazingly unsafe, and, AND they are made for kids not geeky white haired smokers. Just sayin'.

Someone Please Tell Marie...

Someone Please Tell Marie that her hair is ri-goddamn-diculous. I'm so psyched for her weight loss and her new confidence. But that hair has GOT TO GO. She just looks straight up crazy. And like she's trying too hard. A simple, straight, age appropriate hair-do will do indeed. Oh and Marie will you also tell Kate Gosselin she needs to stop with the poor low/highlights, excessive sweep and 1990 spikes? Thanks. You chicks have money. Put it to good use.

Cougar B.S.

Okay I get it. For some, calling people cougars is still as fun as growing a mustache is for a young guy or referring to people's haircuts as mullets (now one of the most over abused words). But when a 22 year old calls a 30 year old a cougar that's just straight up incorrect. According to cougardate.com (who may have created the term) cougars are women in their forties who smoke, drink and go to clubs to pick up young men in their twenties. Cougars are usually divorced, sometimes with cubs, and financially independent.

Now that definition is all fine and well. But when they create a t.v. show around a dufus named Jules (played by Courtney Cox) who has the body and mind of a 20 year old it makes me really upset. Why? Precisely for those reasons. She's 40. She's in such amazing shape that me at age 19 would be jealous, she has a successful business, a nice son and she acts like she's new to Earth. She does stupid things like smash cinnamon buns with the bottom of a frying pan and then eats them refusing to let others see her eat this unnecessarily smashed treat. What?! She is obsessed with being BFFs with the divorced hot a$$hole neighbor named Grayson (name vomit). She is dating a 20 something and either he or she is constantly bringing up something regarding her age. Oh and the first episode she brought this guy home, proceeded to start to give him a b.j. poolside and in walks her teenage son. Gross. Really? It's prime time telly people. How about they get caught making out on the couch. Oh did I mention she's got no class?

I mean her character is self loathing, socially inept, and pretty pathetic. It seems to be this is the general character portrayal for single women in their 40's and I think it's played-out. Just like The New Adventures of Old Christine. The show is quite a bit better, I love Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and she is a hell of a lot funnier, but Christine is still pretty pathetic. Because I'm irritated I cannot think of another show that has a 40 year old single woman living a fun life sans the juvenile factor of a drunk 17 year old at a party.

Maybe because I am getting older it is a more sensitive issue for me but there have got to be people watching this show thinking the same thing. It's always good when a show makes you feel better about yourself but this pathetic, "old", single chick schtick ain't for me.