I Hate You and Your Dog.

I was walking down the street, well up a hill, when I saw a full-grown Vizsla dog (google it) peering out at me and my pup Oscar in a neighbor's backyard.  I was hoping the dog was on a leash because a) there is a leash law b) I was walking on the opposite sidewalk c) my dog weighs 7 pounds.  The Vizsla, I'll name Asturd, didn't bark or run it just stared, so I kept on walking.

I reached two houses down when I heard a faint jingling of metal.  I turned around to see freaking Asturd in a full sprint running across the street at us.  I instantly picked up Oscar and Asturd slowed and circled around me.  It wasn't snarling or growling, so I wasn't totally afraid, but then it started jumping on my back.  It's front turdy paws were touching the top of my shoulders when it jumped.  It was trying to reach Oscar but I just kept spinning away from him.

Well apparently Asturd's real name is Roscoe because I finally heard his owner yelling his name.  Roscoe did not respond but insisted on pawing my tank top.  I started walking towards the owner and I said, "I'll walk him towards you."  The owner just kept calling his name.  Roscoe (obviously not as cool as his name) finally responded and ran to his owner.  I stood waiting for an apology from the owner, but he just turned his back and walked into his yard without saying anything.  For real Fuck-face?  What started out as an annoying event could have been laughed about over a simple "sorry".  I envisioned us laughing about what cute dogs we have and discussing other neighborly niceties.  Nope Roscoe's owner, Fuck-face, just walked back into his yard without even glancing back at me.

That is why I hate you and your dog.  Seriously why do dog owners have to do the following:

1) Do not obey the leash law, as exhibited above.  You are not special.  Your dog is not special.  No one cares if your dog aced doggie training hour at Petsmart.  If I'm not on your land, I do not want your dog near me.  I'm not into being chased by a dog when I'm running.  I didn't even like it when I played Paperboy on Nintendo.  Why would I like it now with exposed Achilles Tendons?  Dudes...no...one...likes...your...dog...but...you.

2) Do not pick up their dog's shit.  I don't want it.  I'm pretty sure even crazy people don't want it.  And last I knew Dung beetles were not hanging out in my neighborhood waiting for your dog to drop one.

3) If your dog's name is Killer, and he acts like one, why do you let him hang out in the front room where he can bust through a screen and eat my ass?  Dogs bust through windows never mind screens.  Your gigantic mutant dog, who is foaming at the mouth with only a screen between us, just made me and my dog just pee ourselves.  Thanks so much.

4) If a sidewalk is 6 feet wide and your dog's leash is 6 feet long, are you expecting me to play Red Rover to continue walking?  Because I think your Chorkweenieshipoodle designer dog is about to feel my wrath.  Don't you watch the Dog Whisperer?  It's not cute that your dog wants to walk 6 feet away from you.  He may hate you as much as I do.

5) Your 180 pound dog should not be hanging out with my 7 pound dog.  Why?  Because of the following equation: my dog + your dog = my dog's death.  And if you tell me your Rotweiler/Bulldog/Pitbull likes little dogs then I'm really not going to believe you.  I bet your dog doesn't bite either (except for that one time).  I don't feel like socializing and neither do you, so why are you trying to force my dog to socialize with yours?

I'm not a tattletale and have never called the dog officer on a neighbor.  But Fuck-face made me so enraged that I did.  I think next time I'll bring some pepper spray and instead of spraying Roscoe I'll spray Fuck-face right in his eyeballs.

Wookin' Pa Nub

I am a hopeless romantic.  Love is something I have given freely my whole life to those who deserve it (or sometimes don't).  Chris was my first crush.  He was in my kindergarten class.   His house was down the street from mine.  I can remember playing a game of "hug tag" in the schoolyard at recess.  Chris, Paul, and I created the rules.

Yaya: "Ok so you catch them by hugging them."
Paul: "Yes, you have to hug them for 3 seconds."
Chris: "And then they're 'it'?"
Yaya: "Yes."  I batted my eyelashes at Chris letting him know he would be my target and he should feel free to make me his.

Paul was first being "it" and he ran straight for me.  I ran as fast as I could away from him.  But he was faster than me.  When he caught me and hugged me I yelled "I don't want you to catch me, I want Chris to."  When I ran after Chris and hugged him, he was underwhelmed.  My 5-year-old brain could not comprehend that my "love" for this 5-year-old boy was not being returned.  We were meant to be together.  Hug tag had set it in motion.  I should've learned my lesson in love that day.

My love life has been pretty eventful since I was a teenager.  And I'm not talking about "the nasty".  In fact I was pretty much a prude in high school.  What I'm really talking about is being in relationships.  I have lived with 2 boyfriends, been in love 3 times (or 7 depending on what day you ask me), and am convinced my true love story will be epic.  What I mean by true love story, is the story of me and the man I spend the rest of my life with.  Why epic?  I have always loved to read, write and hear love stories.  And I don't mean dumb ass Nicolas Sparks "The Notebook" bullshit.  Okay maybe I do, sans Dementia.    Some of my real life love stories are pretty great and I still enjoy telling them.  It's the endings that suck.

My entire love life, like most other's, has been based on a series of coincidences.  Now don't write me off because I understand that coincidences are what make you miss 8 hours of traffic or prevent you from sitting on bird shit on a park bench.   Love Coincidences deserve their own celestial category.  Why?  Because I'm the writer. I can't tell you how many times I've said, "Oh it's meant to be."  "This must be fate." And thought "How can this NOT work out."  I've had men reenter my life after years of separation and we gave it a "go".  Childhood crushes became adult love connections.  Unfortunately, or fortunately, I'm still single.  I wonder if it's possible to use up all of your "it's fate"-ness? Like can you run out of it from saying it too much?  Do I even believe in fate?  It kind of makes a better story now doesn't it?

I was truly convinced after watching The Bachelorette this evening that Ali would not choose Roberto.  Why?  Because I believe he was meant for me.  I would bump into him in an airport and we would lock eyes at gate B24.  He would then salsa his way over to me repeating "Te amo".  He would be carrying around the diamond ring waiting for his next love.  I don't care if that diamond was meant for Ali.  It's mine now Schm-Ali.  And there I would be, coincidentally dressed in white.

But seriously what the fuck?  How many times do I have to think that "this time is gonna be it" only to have the dude underwhelm me or I underwhelm them.  If one more person tells me to stop "looking for love", I'm gonna love (AKA punch) their bo jangles.  Let's be clear I'm not looking for love, I'm just still boy crazy.  I love being in love.  And while perfectly content living my life alone I also want to read, write, and tell my true love story.  I suppose the most exciting thing about reading a story is you do not know the ending.  Unless it's about Juliet.  We all know how that ended.

And in case you live in a van down by the river, "Wookin' Pa Nub" was Eddie Murphy's rendition of Buckwheat singing "Looking For Love".  Classic.