Just Say No to Facial Hair

Why? Why do guys grow beards? Are they hiding from the world like chicks who cannot bring themselves to ever cut their hair? You know the women who are grey and have hair down to their hamstrings? Just cut it. It is not going to bleed if you do. It is not an appendage. Ok back to beards.

Another guy I work with asked me how I liked his mustache/beard combo a day earlier. My response "sure, but chicks hate having their faces beat up by facial hair". I remember making out with a guy one time with some stubble. I said good night after a long make out session and looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. It looked like I had been making out with a cheese grater. It felt that way too.

Please enlighten me why they feel the need to grow facial hair. Do they think it's masculine, sexy, tough? Ok it is buuuuut, it's mean and it will mangle. Next time I meet a guy with facial hair and he wants to make-out I am going to put my hand on his face and shove it away. "You will not over-exfoliate my face thank you! Goodnight!"

What the Hell is Going on Here?

This is a new game called 'What the Hell is Going on Here?' It is up to you to come up with a scenario for the picture. I will describe what is going on here since it is hard to see. To the far left of the picture you see a guy who is only wearing a Speedo. There was a group of six of these Speedo wearers running around Central Park singing to people.

So what the hell do you think was going on here?

No sight in NYC

I'm walking home the other night and the picture you see above is exactly what I saw. It is a blind man walking in NYC. Now my first thought was probably your first thought: How the hell does he get around in New York City? I can see perfectly and I still have a hard time trying to keep myself from splattering all over a taxi cab windshield. Since I drank four beers right before this encounter I thought "I could ask him how he does this" but I just walked by him. And just as I was questioning how he was going to cross the street he says "sir could you help me across the street?". I turned around to see I was the only one around him. I said "sure" and he emphatically apologized for calling me sir.

I had to link my arm around his to help him cross. As we did he says "you know I may never need someone to do this again". "Oh really?" I reply. "Yes because I am getting stem cells from John Hopkins in three months." He has been visually impaired since 2 months old. He can distinguish light and dark and vaguely make out shapes. That is why he thought I was a guy. He could tell I had a baseball cap on but that's it (oh and I probably reeked of beer). And now he has the chance to see for the first time at the age of 62. So we talked some more about what that means to him and how he would gladly risk his life for the chance at gaining his sight. Wanna cry? Yeah I did too.

He lives a couple of doors down from me and I am truly excited for him. Where are the stem cells coming from? According to him, from is own body. Thank goodness for science!

One of my favorite parts of the conversation is a story that his friend sent him an email and the computer read it to him. He made his friend throw in some swear words just to hear the computer lady swear. And he called emails "computer letters".

I will keep you updated on any developments.

I Wish I Was a Little Bit Taller, I Wish I Was a Baller...

I wish I could fix my goddamn toilet. Why can't we be born programmed to fix everything?! Running/non-flushing toilets, cars, electrical...stuff. All stuff that always needs fixing. You know what I mean. I have a road bicycle and I have no idea how to take care of it. When something breaks I have to bring it to a bike shop where they act like I'm an ass because I can't change a flat. Fuck-off douche-riders. I'm paying you, so you should be kissing my ass. Now my mom and dad taught me how to do a lot of stuff but I've realized the only repairs I'm good at are Jerry-Rig-ing shit like MacGyver. Duct tape helllooo. But when my stupid ass toilet gets fixed by my Super then two days later screws up again I wanna rip my freaking hair out and stomp around my apartment slamming my one (bathroom) door. So now I have to call him into my tiny personal space AGAIN to show me how to fix the stupid thing this time because obviously my Super is a Jerry Rigger too.

Sunshine, rainbows, unicorns...

The Rachel Zoerexia Project

I love The Rachel Zoe Project sans the wildfire of "I-Die"s. I love fashion and "I-Die", for the most part, to have Rachel Zoe's job. I would love to dive into an in-ground pool full of accessories and shoes. To be able to vintage shop blowing $5,000-$20,000 per trip. But why is she complaining that the tabloids are calling her pin thin? I mean she obviously works very hard at starving herself so why not own it like Gwen Stefani does (she has been dieting since the 6th grade). Just looking at her on t.v. (which adds how many pounds?!) I cannot imagine what she looks like in person. So for all the kids in America who want to look like her (who? I dunno but I'm sure there are plenty) why doesn't she own up to the fact that a) she doesn't eat b) what she does, comes out shortly after and c) her spazziness/anxiety/twitchiness is due to all the diet pills she's on. I mean her clavicles could poke some one's eye out... but then of course they would break due to osteoporosis.

Oh Zoe Zoe Zoe...of course you and Ricci are BFFs. Who else would you have to compete with in the ultra, super, major, anorexic, feather-weight class besides 8 year olds? Oh I'm sorry. I'll throw in Mary-Kate Olson for the trifecta.

Off to stuff my face with an enormous sandwich and watch her via DVR...

Jogging 101

There should be a class taught in NYC to people who decide they are going to start jogging in public. RULE 1: BUY APPROPRIATE CLOTHING. Since moving here I have seen women jogging in jeans, unfit men jogging in bare-all spandex onesies, shirts off (on people i don't want to look at even with shirts on), high black socks, and hosiery. You read that right, hosiery. His name is "Elegant" Elliot Offen, a Howard Stern "Whack Pack-er". Now had someone warned me of this regular sighting in my neighborhood I would have been prepared. But I was not. I saw someone run past me in a white t-shirt and what I thought were very short shorts. Nope, not shorts, but nude control top pantyhose sans shorts. His chin length hair was streaked in blue and red and pulled into a Bam-Bam style pony on top of his head. And the best part was the old school Walkman tape player. I managed to suppress my vomit long enough to actually look at his face. He had the most scowly (no other way to describe) face I'd ever seen and seemed to be running away from the source creating the scowl. What was the source? My guess would be life. The next time I saw him he was wearing a woman's black leotard thong and black opaque stockings. Lord have mercy is right. I can't believe my eyes didn't melt on the spot.

So the moral of this blog is not to encourage putting on make-up or expensive running clothes but just wear clothes. No one wants to see your bits or scowls. Riiiight. And yes that is him below. You're welcome.

She Works Hard For The Money

So you can apparently make money on blogs. I made 41 cents in two weeks but most of the revenue came after the Nerd Alert blog. Why you ask? I don't know but I think it has to do with the fact I mentioned Crocs. so I wonder if I can mention major labels if I will get enough views to bring in some bank. Do I really think I can succeed? No. But I will do a lot of things for a dollar, dollar bill y'all.

What brands would you mention? I'm gonna throw out a few...Crocs, Chanel (they clearly go hand-in-hand), Burberry, Dior (go big or go to TJ Maxx), Campbell's Soup (why not?), Snuggie (gotta reprezent the infomercials), SHAMWOW (that clearly deserved caps), Ore-Ida Fries (...are delicious), Papa Gino's (...is amazing), Jiffy Lube (...is an amazing name), Apple, iPod, Mister Smoothie (kicks all other soft-serves' asses), BMW (not sure why that came up), Frye (because I am obsessed with my new shoes), ZAPPOS (heart them), eBay (not in love with them right now), Jesus (the biggest brand I know), Fleet Foxes (just because I love their music), Brooklyn Vegan (love listening on SIRIUS), Bryant Park Project (looove them but way too early in the AM on NPR), Spaghetti-O's (no explanation needed).

I think that's all I have in me tonight...we'll see if this brings in the money train. Probably not but I ain't too proud to beg.

UPDATE 9/6/09: This did not work. I'm still at 41 cents.