Age of The Fake

In a time where everyone has a video camera and can remaster their videos, people really need to get better at spotting when a video is a set-up and when it is real. Here are some examples. You decide if they are real or fake. My answers will be at the bottom and they are correct.

A:


B:


C:


D:


A) Fun and Fake; B) Creepy and Fake; C) Just Fake; D) Amazing, Hilarious, and Real

Wait For It...

So Happy Together

I very much miss this dynamic duo.

Blow on This

It has occurred to me on several foggy mornings that I probably should not have _________ (texted/FaceBooked/blogged/emailed) the night before. I've woken up and looked at my __________ (phone/computer) and realized that I had contacted someone I didn't even give a crap about because I was half in the bag. I have never said anything mean, in fact, I'm a pretty nice drunk. I don't call anyone hammered anymore I just type away. I typically have correct grammar and spelling even though I'm typing like a chimpanzee with one eye shut. And if I were to talk at that moment would be scheriously schlurring. When I'm in the mood to contact dudes I've dated there needs to be a way to stop me.

So I figured it out...I will soon patent the Phone/Computer Breathalyzer. Curtsy. The only contact you can make is to a) call the police on yourself for drunk driving, b) call 911 to let them know how angry you are that computer doesn't work and ask to speak with their IT guy c) write in your own inbox what an ass you are for trying to contact ___________ (insert name here).

Is this blog making you miss Mad Libs as much as me right now?!

Oh and while searching for drunk texting photos I stumbled upon this gem:

Just A Spoonfull of Money

Ahhh life. Makes you think sometimes: What the hell am I doing?! This recent thought came to me when I was health insurance shopping. Fun? You betcha. My COBRA from the last job I quit is about to expire in January. My current company is Canadian and doesn't understand that $400/ month only covers my lovely (oh how I will miss thee) COBRA. I found the 3 major health insurance providers in NYC. My coverage options:

$150/month: Emergency hospital care only (but reviews stated that most hospital bills they sent in were "not covered")

$450/month: $3,000 deductible, no office visits covered (so what am I paying for? I'd rather fill a swimming pool with money like Scrooge McDuck)

$1490/month: (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-vomit)

I mean what is going on in this city/world? The only way I would qualify for reduced health care is if I made under $20,000. If I made $20,000 I sure as hell wouldn't be living in NYC. This city hoses you with city taxes, $6 canned soups, and the highest rent in the country. Now they're gonna charge $1490 for one person's health insurance?! I'm 31, no major medical issues, no monthly prescriptions, I get a physical and PAP every year, and they are gonna charge me that?! I am so disgusted with the industry that I simply wanna give them the bird and start building that damn coin pool.

I mean I've always known that health insurance is expensive but New York is absurd. At least in Massachusetts there are more options, less expensive ones at that. Getting a job with benefits certainly outweighs a position with a slightly better salary. My Canadian company just has no idea.

A Vibrating What?!

Ok I'm a huge fan and frequent purchaser of all sorts of make-up. My Caboodle is so embarrassingly full that I can barely close it. With what? I have no idea. Glitter and one-use eye shadows probably. But I'm so not sold on a mascara that vibrates.

When applying mascara or waterproof liquid liner I have the precision of a surgeon. If I did not I would look like a hot mess. But to have an applicator vibrate?! I don't want anything gyrating near my eyeballs and I wonder who would? I mean look at the picture. Do you want that thing coming at your face? Does it really add that much more than my manual strokes cannot? I doubt it. I mean it sounds as logical as a vibrating lip pencil. My lips would look like this <>^>^<>^<^>^<^>^<

After watching the video I wasn't impressed. http://www.lancome-usa.com/beautyschool/videos/lush-lashes.aspx In fact it made me feel good about spending only $6 on my Great Lash. This one costs $34.

I mean wouldn't massaging 6" stilettos be a greater use of electronics? Don't go patenting that on me now.

Retired

**those are not my feet.

I'm retiring. That's right I've just decided it's time to hang up my hat and you're gonna help me.

Soooo I had this idea after realizing that there have been 6 Ad clicks on my blog and I made $3. First, thank you to those who click on the stupid ads. Now here's my plan. If each of you click on an advertisement to the right of my blog I'll eventually make enough to retire. What do you get in return? Me. I will come visit you, and entertain you like a monkey. I mean it's a win-win here people. I would sit here all day and click on the ads myself but that is illegal. I don't think I'll get arrested but I certainly won't get paid. And no one wants that.

And if you're a major contributor and can prove it, I'll bring you the gift of the Dick Towel. I mean if that doesn't send you clicking I don't know what will.

Parents make sure your kids are not in the room when you check out the precious Dick Towel. The little bird is not as aggressive as the large one. Oh, and start watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia if you don't already.

http://www.dicktowel.com/dicktowel.html

Buy

Listen, I don't work for Rolling Stone or Brooklyn Vegan and I certainly have nothing but street cred for my solid ear (and by street cred I mean self-felicitations). But you need to buy these TODAY unless you're into Enya or something ridiculous like that.

DRUMMER: I came across this band via Ohmyrockness.com. Little did I know that I was about to be fish hooked. The most well known member is Patrick Carney of The Black Keys on bass. The other members include Jamie Stillman of Teeth of the Hydra, formerly of Party of Helicopters (guitar), Jon Finley of Beaten Awake, also formerly of Party of Helicopters (vocals, guitar), Stephen Clements of Houseguest and Six Parts Seven (keys, vocals) and Greg Boyd of Ghostman and Sandman (drums). My friend Ryan classified them as "power rhythm" and rightly so being that they are all drummers from their other bands.

My brother and I saw them play at the Mercury Lounge in October. They sounded clean, tight, and just like their album. But they did not interact with the audience much.  I think some guy may have pissed them off in the front row.  But seriously just buy their album "Feel Good Together" immediately, if not sooner, and I will take your "thank you" in advance.


ROYAL BANGS: Opening for them were Royal Bangs. Holy Lord, they totally rocked my world. Great beats and unexpected rhythm shifts. My brother actually yelled out "you're a lot better than I thought you were gonna be" breaking a brief silence (not sure what would've come out of his mouth had he not loved them). The band heard him too because when we talked to them outside the guitarist actually asked him if he was the one that yelled it. They are cool guys too (at least through a beer haze they were). I do have a lil crush on the lead singer now and his voice. So don't pass by their music. Check out the songs "Brother", "Handcuff Killa", and "Poison Control". Or just buy all 3 of their albums and SEE THEM LIVE! You're welcome.


TIMBER TIMBRE: They opened for the Royal Bangs and I regretfully missed them. If you like the recent explosive revival of folksy, rural-living indie you will like these guys. Check-out "Lay Down In The Tall Grass" and "Like a Mountain". Great curl-up-by-the-fire or contemplative traveling music.

Ugh

What is the world coming to? Uggs have been "in fashion" (I use that loosely) for enough years now. They look hobbity (yes Lord of The Rings), sloppy, and should only be worn on snowy or super lazy days. I am solely talking about the tan, shapeless ones. That being said, when was it decided that it was okay for a dude to wear them in public? Regardless of sexual orientation, WHEN WAS IT DECIDED THAT IT WAS OKAY FOR A DUDE TO WEAR UGGS IN PUBLIC?! Did you get that fashion memo because I did not.

Ummm do you also love how I blatantly took a picture of the guy and his "girlfriend". I mean the guy is looking right at me and smiling. Immediately after hearing the shutter noise of my camera phone I pretended like I was actually trying to get service. I would make a terrible PI. I need to work on that.

Dear Diary,

The problem with starting a blog is that if you make it 100% anonymous you don't get the joy of sharing your posts with friends and family. The problem with announcing your blog is that you now have to remember who you invited and try not to write shit about them. You also have to monitor what/how much you are sharing. Especially if your mom and dad read it like mine do. Not that I wanna talk smack about them but that some things need editing.

There have been a few friends I have left off intentionally because my initial blogs were about them. I have somehow still managed to keep in touch with these notoriously jerky friends. And when I've had a few drinks and happen to talk to them on the phone I have to make a serious effort not to blurt out "I have a blog". In which case I would have to feign not knowing the real blog web address. Awkward and hopefully avoidable even with my big, beer-guzzling mouth.

I am truthful in most of my blogs but I certainly do not include certain details just because I know just about everyone reading this. Although I have had increasingly more hits (it's probably just my mom checking it everyday). So the question then is how much is too much? Not like I'm a closeted crystal meth addict (Agassi) but certain details of my life I share with a select few, if at all. Therefore I do feel restricted. That stuff I mostly share with my journal.

I would love to write a book and am preparing to interview my 92 year old grandmother named Harriett. She is an enigma to me. She was always just my grammy but I know nothing about her life. She can be amazingly honest and open at times and then switch to meek and tight lipped. So I am wondering how much she will be willing to share with me knowing that I will be on Oprah one day telling the nation about the life of Harriett (putting The Secret to work here people). Will she get "nervous in the service", as she loves to say, or will she freely share intimate details of her life. What would I do? Will I die and burn all my journals with me or will I choose to share them? How much sharing is too much?