Ah-Mazing Spoofing

I'm not totally ashamed to admit I'm into the whole Twilight thing. I must confess the books were great and I shed a tear once I finished Breaking Dawn. If I were grading the movies I would give them a B. I'll watch 'em but I'm not casting a vote for The People's Choice Awards (well if I ever were to actually vote).

Anyway this spoof video makes me laugh. Like all the best stuff, it's best enjoyed after multiple viewings and with an audience. You're welcome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sILnTjYlNxc

New Year's Resolutions

I've never been one to make New Year's resolutions. This is because I assume I will break them by January 2nd. But this year I will join the millions who hope to alter their behavior, for good, as of January 1, 2010.

I have been a smoker since the age of 18. On and off for years and mostly triggered by any number of alcoholic beverages. A sip is enough for my brain to recognize that something is amiss. Some synapses will fire off some chemicals and I get a little twitchy. By the end of the beer I am excusing myself to the nearest bodega to pay $11 for something that will do nothing but ease my discomfort and slowly kill me. As you have read before I blame a lot of my substandard behavior on booze. You're probably thinking I should just stop drinking. And if you are thinking that you should probably start reading a different blog because we will never get each other. However, I do plan on cutting down on the amount I drink but I'm not giving up the sauce completely. I just am giving up the justification to smoke because I'm half in the bag (or simply looking at the bag).

It all started at the age of 18 because my college boyfriend and best friend both smoked daily. People were actually shocked when they found out I smoked. "You smoke?! I never woulda pinned you as a smoker." I used to get that same reaction from people when I told them I was agnostic. "You're what?! I thought you were a Christian." Why anyone would make any assumptions about my lifestyle beats me. It's like saying to them "You watched Alf?! I never woulda pinned you as an Alf watcher. More like an A-Team fan." Yeah well guess what, you don't know me. And it was the tone associated with it. Complete disgust. Like they just found out I was an axe murderer and had taken-out half my town. I digress.

I never considered myself a smoker but since I actually put cigs in my mouth, light them up, and inhale the wondrous nicotine and 599 other chemicals (some sites claim 4,000), I am in fact a smoker. So I am going on the record that I am going to give up the little bundles of cancer for good.

While I was being introspective I decided to try and resolve a few other things:

2-Cut down on the hooch
3-Lose weight
4-Run more
5-Take better care of skin and hair
6-Stop Face Book stalking. It may, in fact, be ruining my life
7-Be more tolerant of idiots and A-holes.
8-Start dating more. Um not sure how this is going to happen since I NEVER ask guys out. Hmmm suggestions?
9-Forgive and FORGET the exes.
10-Stop drunk texting and Face Booking (see #2 & #6 & #9)
11-Focus on today and not so much on tomorrow. Oh wait but Jersey Shore is on tomorrow. Can't wait for that!!!
12-Seriously stay within budget and don't try to justify purchases. I mean my pup Oscar could use a pair of shoes though. His lil Mexican feet get cold and there is a serious broken glass problem on my street.
13-Start keeping up with the New York Times. It's awkward NEVER knowing what is going on in the world outside of me ZZzzzzzzz. Oops I'm awake.
14-Be better about completing the items on my to do list. First being to actually read the list rather than just writing stuff down and never looking over it.
15-Let go of the goal of being either a pop star or a half-pipe snowboarding gold medalist. Self: you missed the boat.
16-Buy Rock Band and the X-Box 360 so I can live out #15 in the comfort of my own home. Oh wait #12 is yelling at me.

And Lastly,
16-Stop being so hard on myself. Maybe I should get a drink. Oooh and a smoke.

I will hang in there and not stop dreaming Richard Simmons.

J. No No No

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeeVjmAkEqA

Last night I was watching the So You Think You Can Dance finale and I was irritated about 2 things 1) Jakob did not win (although way to represent Boston Russell!) b) J. Lo's lip syncing and Louboutin song was atrocious. I mean I know you're a fly girl and you need to dance while you sing but holy lord J. Lo you need to work on the lip syncing. Or how about you dance less and sing live? The whole performance I spent looking through my fingers in horror. She was lip syncing and still sounded horrible.

And your song is retarded. "But it's the last time, I'm movin' on, I'm throwing on my Louboutins." "Watch these Red bottoms, And the back of my jeans." Seriously? The song is pathetic. Never mind that it stole these lyrics "I'm just a part time lover" and "Don't know what you got until it's gone". VOMIT! I know I've been a hater lately but this song just put me over the edge. First of all because I'm sick of idiot chicks talking about, "you know...the shoes with the red bottoms". Those shoes are designed by Christian Louboutin. Know why they have a red bottom? He was inspired by a drawing of a shoe with a red line through the heel. Know why people buy his shoes? a)they are gorgeous b) they are a status symbol like a Louis Vuitton bag.

J. Lo we do not need lil girls singing about leaving their creep boyfriends in $700 shoes. We are in a recession. Shit I would own every pair I could get my hands on if I could afford them, but I can't. Nor can most people. So can't we just leave them where they belong? They belong in fashion, on the runway, on people who can afford them, on celebrities, and on Madison Ave where I ogle them and walk away. I had a pair back when they were $400. But then I came to my senses and returned the money pits to Neiman where a much richer person could give them the one or two wears they deserved. If I had kept them I would have worn them to the gym, to clean my house, and to get the mail in jammies.

And don't walk away with just your Louboutins and jeans. Walk away with the 50" screen plasma and his wallet. Make a real statement.

I'm not a Louboutin hater (o'contraire) I am a "J. Lo are you freaking serious?" hater. Take Skeletor, AKA your hubby, and sing some ballads about your incomprehensible love of each other. Oh P.S. "Love?" is a great title for your latest CD J. Lo...guess what Bel, Biv, Devoe's is also called "Love". And I sure as hell would take some of their "Poison" over your craptastic "Louboutins". Stick to dancing in your Louboutins I'm gonna take the cotton out from my bleeding ears.

Yes I'm that disgusted.

Buy...Mmmmm...This

I came across this chocolate at the notoriously, outrageously over-priced market called Eli's. The thing about Eli's is that it is over-priced because they have really high quality stuff in there. Fresh ravioli's (addicted), beautiful tomatoes, and lettuce that doesn't shrivel and turn brown in 14 hours. So as I was heading to the cashier to blow my paycheck I decided I need some chocolate. To buy an Eli's chocolate bar it would've cost me $12 (I'm not laughing, I'm dead serious). Instead I chose a lil chocolate nugget for less than half the price. Granted it was small I just HAD to have it and it was affordable.

When it came time to eat this lil morsel I really didn't have very high hopes for it. It was Dark Chocolate Granola. Well I bit in and wasn't it the lil bit of girl-next-door-grows-up amazingness! Now I am officially addicted. It is called the 5 Star Chocolate Bar made in Vermont by Lake Champlain Chocolates. You can buy them for a fraction of the price through the company and man-O-man you will become an addict too. Santa please add them to my list. Here is the website and it happens to bring you right to my favorite kind: Granola (whaddup tree-huggers!). A yum yum yum.

http://www.lakechamplainchocolates.com/Chocolate/Five-Star-Chocolate-Bar/Granola-Five-Star-Bars.aspx

Dear Santa,

I know I have been greedy in the past. Asking for a pony, a Pogo Ball, a Sony Water-Resistant Discman, Prada boots, is not something I am going to do this year. Why? Because you never got any of those for me. And also because I need some damn necessities I'm too broke to even buy.



1) I need a can opener. The picture above is what I am currently using. Am I a wagon leader on the Oregon Trail? No. I live in freaking Manhattan. My parents came to visit and brought over some food to cook at my place. I went to lift the lid of one of the cans when I realized it's not a pop top. Hunh. Well it was then I realized that instead of walking 100 feet to Duane Reade I was gonna bust out the Leatherman I have used to solely to open beer bottles and jerry-rig broken necklaces with. Except my parents weren't impressed they were horrified that I have not even faced this dilemma since moving to my place in July. So Santa, I need a can opener that doesn't take 35-45 minutes to open a can and was not used in the 1800's.



2) I need a wine opener. I currently have the one pictured above. You may be thinking I'm being greedy again, right Santa? Well when my parents were over the very same "can opener incident" night I accidentally left it on the stove where my dad was cooking. I mean I was drinking wine. Since the can opener is plastic, it melted quickly and boy it smelled awful. So take the opener above and melt 1/3 of it. I still use it but I'm not so chic-in-the-city now am I? So Santa, please don't let my parents be horrified at my lifestyle in NYC (and living this way at 31). I'd actually be giving back to my community. I'm giving my parents peace of mind that I'm not a total train wreck.


3) I need an umbrella. Why is there not a picture of one above? Because I don't have one. Not even a broken one. Has it rained? Yes. Have I bought one to replace the 3 the Manhattan winds have destroyed? No. (Chicago you sure you're windier than here? I think we should call in some scientists) Why have I not bought one? Because I'm still not over the complete demolition of my first three umbrellas. They were adequate umbrellas. There are just some cross-town trade-winds that hate me and my sweet, innocent umbrellas. So Santa, I need the kind of umbrella you would give to an Everest climber if they were worried about rain and not death.

XOXO

Yaya

Just Dance

I'm trying to get back into shape after being out for the last few months with an IT Band injury. I probably could have started being active awhile ago but I milked the injury for as much time off as possible. To even consider jumping back into running is just a little too much right now, and it's freezing outside. So I turned to my favorite recreational activity, dancing.

My training in dance amounts to years of junior high and high school Roger-Rabbiting, Cabbage-Patching, and Kid-'N-Playing. In fact, I mastered these forms and have busted them out at weddings, in clubs, and on the sidewalk. I also studied in Costa Rica in college so I perfected the gringa version of the salsa and merengue. My hips don't lie but they are also delusional.

Anyway I went to a dance studio after calling and interrogating the Russian receptionist. I made her assure me that it was a beginner class and that I would be just fine. "No training NEEDED right?" "vight, nyet training needed." "I mean it's really easy choreography right?" "Da, easy choreography." So I put on my dancing Nikes and jumped into the class. We started right away with 1 and 2 and 3 and 4. I'm like alright I got this. 30 minutes later when we were still building our routine I realized that I would probably not get the chance to display my Roger Rabbit. In fact, I couldn't remember past the first 5, 6, 7, 8. I left after an hour barely sweating and feeling really stupid. Oh the other people in the class?...They were great and completed the routine flawlessly.

On my walk home I thought to myself ok maybe I'm not stupid, I mean I am in New York and the other people in my class certainly have taken dance before so I need to stick to gym dance classes. I then signed up for a 2 week trial at NYSC. I marched right into the hip hop dance class and remained in the back of the class even though I wanted to show off my moves in the front. As the teacher was setting up his play list Lady Gaga pumped out and it was on. Then after warming up he says "for those of you who have never taken this class you're gonna wanna stay in the back. We're building on a routine from last week." I almost yelled out a NOOOOOOO! What followed? A routine that could be on So You Think You Can Dance. I mean he thought he was Shane Sparks. It was obvious everyone in the class had formal training except for me. I looked like Elaine Benes occasionally throwing in jazz hands in a hip hop class. I left class like a child who is afraid of getting hit by balls leaving soccer practice: relieved it's over and traumatized.

So what the hell is going on in this city anyway? Is it not okay to be a mediocre dancer and just follow the instructor while you pretend like you can Pop and Lock? Since when are gyms all-star dance studios? It's like New York is telling me "if you aren't the best then why bother?" But I scraped myself up off the dance floor the next night and went to a Zumba class. It was mostly latin dancing and an added lil hip hop edge to it. I danced in the front of the class and followed the teacher like the Roger-Rabbiting pro I know.

Social Netmare

This morning I woke up and checked all of my social networking websites: hotmail, gmail, Face Book, Google Wave, Google Blogger (Yaya site), Twitter, and company email. At one point I was talking to 2 people via IM on Face Book, one on my gmail account, and I was texting another. I can spend anywhere from 5 minutes to 15 hours just messing around with all these accounts. They are not assisting me in the marketing of a product or even networking for work. They are simply sites that I have joined because I wanted to check them out. But I am exhausted. I rarely tweet, I share most of the funny pictures/videos I find on my Yaya site or Face Book. That eliminates the need for the Google Wave. Why do I have 3 email accounts?

I understand that companies are trying to be "the" networking site but checking all is wasting valuable life time for me. I mean I could be reading the New York Times or Scientific American (AKA People Magazine/TMZ) online and actually feeding my brain instead of reading that so-and-so on Face Book just changed their kid's diaper or milked the cows on FarmVille. Speaking of, what the hell is FarmVille?

Anyway it's all too overwhelming and I have nothing to gain but lost time. Thankfully I deleted my My Space account last year so that's one less to check...