I Hate You and Your Dog.

I was walking down the street, well up a hill, when I saw a full-grown Vizsla dog (google it) peering out at me and my pup Oscar in a neighbor's backyard.  I was hoping the dog was on a leash because a) there is a leash law b) I was walking on the opposite sidewalk c) my dog weighs 7 pounds.  The Vizsla, I'll name Asturd, didn't bark or run it just stared, so I kept on walking.

I reached two houses down when I heard a faint jingling of metal.  I turned around to see freaking Asturd in a full sprint running across the street at us.  I instantly picked up Oscar and Asturd slowed and circled around me.  It wasn't snarling or growling, so I wasn't totally afraid, but then it started jumping on my back.  It's front turdy paws were touching the top of my shoulders when it jumped.  It was trying to reach Oscar but I just kept spinning away from him.

Well apparently Asturd's real name is Roscoe because I finally heard his owner yelling his name.  Roscoe did not respond but insisted on pawing my tank top.  I started walking towards the owner and I said, "I'll walk him towards you."  The owner just kept calling his name.  Roscoe (obviously not as cool as his name) finally responded and ran to his owner.  I stood waiting for an apology from the owner, but he just turned his back and walked into his yard without saying anything.  For real Fuck-face?  What started out as an annoying event could have been laughed about over a simple "sorry".  I envisioned us laughing about what cute dogs we have and discussing other neighborly niceties.  Nope Roscoe's owner, Fuck-face, just walked back into his yard without even glancing back at me.

That is why I hate you and your dog.  Seriously why do dog owners have to do the following:

1) Do not obey the leash law, as exhibited above.  You are not special.  Your dog is not special.  No one cares if your dog aced doggie training hour at Petsmart.  If I'm not on your land, I do not want your dog near me.  I'm not into being chased by a dog when I'm running.  I didn't even like it when I played Paperboy on Nintendo.  Why would I like it now with exposed Achilles Tendons?  Dudes...no...one...likes...your...dog...but...you.

2) Do not pick up their dog's shit.  I don't want it.  I'm pretty sure even crazy people don't want it.  And last I knew Dung beetles were not hanging out in my neighborhood waiting for your dog to drop one.

3) If your dog's name is Killer, and he acts like one, why do you let him hang out in the front room where he can bust through a screen and eat my ass?  Dogs bust through windows never mind screens.  Your gigantic mutant dog, who is foaming at the mouth with only a screen between us, just made me and my dog just pee ourselves.  Thanks so much.

4) If a sidewalk is 6 feet wide and your dog's leash is 6 feet long, are you expecting me to play Red Rover to continue walking?  Because I think your Chorkweenieshipoodle designer dog is about to feel my wrath.  Don't you watch the Dog Whisperer?  It's not cute that your dog wants to walk 6 feet away from you.  He may hate you as much as I do.

5) Your 180 pound dog should not be hanging out with my 7 pound dog.  Why?  Because of the following equation: my dog + your dog = my dog's death.  And if you tell me your Rotweiler/Bulldog/Pitbull likes little dogs then I'm really not going to believe you.  I bet your dog doesn't bite either (except for that one time).  I don't feel like socializing and neither do you, so why are you trying to force my dog to socialize with yours?

I'm not a tattletale and have never called the dog officer on a neighbor.  But Fuck-face made me so enraged that I did.  I think next time I'll bring some pepper spray and instead of spraying Roscoe I'll spray Fuck-face right in his eyeballs.