Junk in the Trunk

Well hello.  Sorry I haven't written in awhile.  I actually thought that no one really read this until I  started receiving hate mail for taking a "time out".   I guess my mom and dad aren't the only ones reading this...

Junk in The Trunk

After living in NYC for 1 year and 3 months, I am back in the 'burbs.  Why?  Because I'd had enough  with my mega-mouthed neighbors waking me up at 3AM, 4AM, 5AM, 6AM, 6:15AM 6:22AM, 6:31AM...until noon.  I also hated my job and didn't feel like doing sales again.  So I returned to the comforts and quiet of mommy and daddy's.  And yes, I have my binky and blankey back.  

Moving home with mom and dad has its rewards.  I’m living rent-free, they have HBO, and I have access to an amazing washer/drier (to take care of my high-end clothes from Forever 21).  Here's the challenge I ran into last week...My mom is a super minimalist and loves everything clean and just-so.  I had a couple of boxes that sat in my old bedroom for years.  I've gone through them but still manage to hold on to more than my mom would like.  In the boxes there is old shit consisting of photo albums, diaries, and letters with Teen Beat magazine's New Kids On The Block clippings.  She thinks I'm absolutely retarded for having 10 photo albums and said "maybe it's time to throw some out."  My response was "Yeah, no."  They are not to be treated like National Geographic magazines from 1977-present.  It is not crazy to have photos of family and friends dating back to grade school.  Those National Geographic hoarders are full-on psychos.  But during my sifting I found some stuff that makes me question if I harbor hoarding tendencies.  Here's the list:  

-1987 New England Patriots’ Official Team Picture signed by Trevor Matich.  Who?  Exactly.  I got this at a Pop Warner banquet when I was a cheerleader for a hot second. Why do I still have this?  Did I think it would be worth something someday?  Because circling his face in green highlighter and writing his name in pink pen surely upped the pawn value.  Sorry Trevor, it's 2010, and there are hotter players now.

-May 1989 Adoption Certificate for “Patches” a Humpback Whale.   I apparently was really proud to have been a part of this even though it was all of my teacher's doing.  What did I do?  I was just in her class eating crayons and glue in the back row.  I wonder what Patches is up to these days?

-My February 14, 1990, D.A.R.E. Certificate of Achievement.  Was this to remind me that I was Straight Edge at 12 years old?  That would last another 3 years.   Also from February 1990 I have my Student of The Month Certificate.  This February of 1990 was apparently the month to set my bar high, only to light it on fire and be an ashen rain for years to come.  *Open beer, Poor grammar to follow*

-2 Field Day First Place blue ribbons and 1 yellow ribbon.  Not sure for what event(s) or even what year but gooooooo me!  Don’t be jealous.  You too can be a blue ribbon winner.  Go to iParty and buy yourself some.  Write ‘100-meter-dash’, ‘Dance-Off’, or ‘Flat Ass’ on the back.  Display them proudly. 

-National & Presidential Physical Fitness Awards and patch.  Who the hell made up these standards?  I missed the Presidential Award in the 5^th grade because I could do only 2 of 3 pull-ups.  You know what I said to myself?  “Fuck you arms.”  I trained a year by bench-pressing everyday and doing push-ups in between math homework.  I drank Muscle Milk and ate only egg whites. In the 6^th grade I was jacked and able.  That last pull-up took me 45 minutes to complete but I did it.  Now look at me.  I am in stellar physical shape.  **That was the awesome t.v. version with "You're The Best! Around!" as my theme music. 

-My diary dating back to age 11.  Entry on November 20, 1989: “Today is Monday.  I don’t have a lot of homework.  I am so tired today.  My hair is a mess, and I have a headache.  I have to go to bed before my head spins!  Bye!”  I don’t remember having headaches but I do remember caring a lot about my hair.  It was the 80’s...  December 14, 1989:  “Jennifer came over today and we played Truth or Dare.  Jennifer had to taste lemon juice Yuk!  Tired.  Bye!”  How scandalous…lemon juice!  At one point I asked my diary to “hold on” while I tried on an outfit and then reported that… “it fit great!  Bye!”  I clearly was a cerebral child.  Oh and yes, I believed that my diary was judging me.  Logical.  Therefore to make sure the diary was on my side I always said “Bye!” to it.  I finally stopped doing that after writing this. 

After sifting through the awesomeness that was my grammar school life I realized how freaking weird kids are...ok I was....am.