That Martha Stewart is a Liar

 

I started cooking last night.  No I don't mean just dinner I mean I am going on a 'Julie and Julia' type quest to find my inner chef.  Except instead it's less 'Julie and Julia' and more 'Yaya and The Swedish Chef' (from the Muppets).  I've never really been into cooking.  The only thing I ever liked to make were from-the-box-brownies and then eating them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  The most ridiculous part of this is that I have top-of-the-line appliances.  See that Kitchen Aid mixer pictured above?  It is sitting in my kitchen windowsill being used as a privacy "curtain" from my neighbors.  When the bowl is in it, I get extra privacy.  I have had it for 4 years and maybe, maaaaybe used it 3 times.  But I've decided, I'm 31, I should learn how to make my own food rather than simply clicking on it and having it delivered 30 minutes later.   Nothing easier than that.  Thank you "series of tubes" but I wanna know what's in my food and not pay so damn much. 

Anyway I started with a recipe deemed "healthy" by Fitness magazine called coconut curry chicken.  As far as I know Corn Flakes, coconut flakes and coconut milk are not healthy but the picture convinced me that this would be one of the best meals I would ever eat.  Yum, yum, yummy.  Well I couldn't find curry paste at D'A-gross-tino's, I mean D'Agostino's, so I decided coconut chicken sans curry would still be delish.  Then I couldn't find unsweetened coconut flakes so got the sweetened ones because I secretly wanted them anyway.  Well this was just a total train wreck.  I literally looked like the Swedish Chef http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TR2WMN1qYJctossing raw chicken, cornflakes, and spatulas around until I finally threw them all together thinking "this is gonna be Nom-a-licious".  I waited 3 times the suggested cooking time for my coconut chicken to get "golden brown" but the chicken literally went from raw to burnt.  I watched it.  I watched it with the anticipation and protection of a mother penguin hovering over her egg in sub-zero weather.  I waited 40 minutes for that damn chicken to get golden brown.  When I pulled it out of the oven and spatula-ed the chicken onto a plate, the bottom layer of Corn Flakes and coconut stuck to the pan.  My ONE pan that now had an inch of burnt Corn Flakes adhered to it like super glue.  I looked from the picture to my chicken and decided that the picture was fake.  It was play-doh made to look like crispy "golden brown" chicken.  But I ate like I was on the show Fear Factor because I made it and couldn't bear throwing it away.  

Then I thought it would be a good idea to make cookies for the troops.  I have a friend in Iraq and had collected money to buy toys to send.  The troops give toys to the little kids who tell them where IEDs are located.  I finally got all the toys in and I decided that the guys would probably love some cookies as well.  Mind you, my kitchen is what my mom calls a "closet kitchen".  But your closet is probably larger than my kitchen.  So after this Corn Flake mess I had to take a chain saw to clean the one pan I have, wash all the dishes, put them away and make cookies.  And who better to get the recipe from?  Yup Martha Stewart.  I almost bit into the magazine page displaying the beautiful cookies.  Well that Martha Stewart is a liar.  Martha, your cookies sucked.  They were hard (I didn't burn these, I swear) and they didn't taste good.  So you know what I did today?  I tossed out those shitty cookies and made the dependable Nestle Toll House cookies from the back of the chip bag and voila.  Delicious chocolate chip cookies.  Curtsy.  I bought some frozen entrees from Trader Joe's today.  I think I'm hanging up my apron for a few days.