The Bachelor: On The Wings of Gayness

See the man pictured above?  He is a very hot, lame, cry-baby, TOOL.  This show is actually called 'The Bachelor: On The Wings of Love' and yes, the theme song is "On The Wings of Love" BECAUSE HE IS A PILOT.  Wow ABC how long did it take you to come up with that one?  I hope less than 8 seconds.  DONE.  And the song has a different elevator version each episode.  Make out with a chick.."oooon the wiiings of loooove", look at the ocean "oooon the wiiings of loooove",  awkwardly run "oooon the wiiings of loooove".  And I know I'm choosing to watch the show.  But it's like when you sit in traffic only to find that the traffic is from rubberneckers checking out the accident in the break-down lane.  And you swear at these 10-mph drivers telling them "to stop looking at the freaking accident and driiive!"  But as you approach the scene you think "hmmm that blue car rear-ended the red one...and oh God I see a stretcher...body bag?...blood?...you see blood?...oooh there must have been a fire..." like a detective until you realize YOU are now holding up traffic.  So YES I am the donkey watching this garbage but it's everything that's wrong with our society beginning with Jake THE PILOT "oooon the wiiings of loooove" SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP Jeffrey Osborne.  Here's some of the blood and guts of this accident:

1) Jake you cry ALL the time.  You know you're a cry-baby when Regis is making fun of you. "He cries all.. the.. time!" (in my best Regis Philbin accent) Send a chick home...cry.  A chick hooks-up with someone who works for the show (he knew her 2 days)...cry.  A coconut hits the ground...waaaaahhh.  Choose one PILOT: you are... a) a total wein-dog who has more estrogen than all the girls on your show combined or b) turning your back on the camera and pinching your scrotum, making yourself cry to seem multi-layered and sensitive.  In either case no one wants to date a Sally.  Please make your balls descend out of your abdomen and back into your bruised scrotum, and return to manhood. 

2) The host had to pull Roslyn aside because she had "inappropriate relations with someone from the t.v. crew".  That part was actually amazing.   The wreckage was when all the girls were crying with Jake over the incident.  Really?  You feel that bad for him?  There are like 15 of you left.  Don't worry mamas, he'll be juuuust fine.

3) Ali, one of the last 4 bitches, was destined to be in the final 3.  Jake said it, she was in.  But then her work rang her up and said she had to come back to work or she was fired.  So she, being a smarter-than-the-average-bachelor-play-thing, went back to work.  But her senses were short lived because she called Jake and begged to be taken back.  He said no.  Pinched his scrotum and cried.  And Ali regrets leaving.  Really Ali?  You should be pissed he pretty much forgot your name in a week.

4) Tenley, one of the last 2 chicks, has only slept with one man in her life.  This man was her husband and cheated on her.  So she, being a mess over it, decided it was a good idea to go on THE BACHELOR?  Ummm...so it wasn't enough that you got cheated on by your virgin hungry husband but now you're gonna put yourself on a show where the main guy makes out with every set of lips he can land?  Then, accept an over-night with him knowing 2 other girls jumped his bones as well?  I don't know much 'bout psychology Tenley, but somethin' smells like masochism. P.U.

5) Jake has told the camera that he is "falling in love" with every chick.  "I just feel so connected to them."  "I just can't believe how much I am into them." "Can I marry your daughter?" (He asked 4 parents this same question).  Oh ABC how dare you pull at my heartstrings.  This poor, poor guy is torn by 4 hot chicks who will spread their legs knowing full well that he's about to hit, and quit, you AND the 3 others.  How can you go on Jake with such tough punan choices? 

6) Because I am writing about it.  I hate you Bachelor and your "wiiiings of looooove".  Next season can you at least put on some serious crazies?!  I wanna see some bitches throw down.  Word to your moms.