An Apple A Day...

My job is odd at best. I walk into a doctor's office, tell them I sell a "probiotic", and ask to see the physician. Normally the initial conversation goes like this:

Me: "Hi! My name is Yaya and I work for a company called XYZ".
Receptionist: "Umm. Hi."
"What are your policies on seeing Representatives?"
"What do you sell?"
"A probiotic."
"A what?"
"A probiotic. Healthy bacteria for your intestines."
"Oh. Hold on a sec. Maria! There's a Rep here."
Maria: "Hi."
Me: "Hi! My name is Yaya and I work for a company called XYZ".
"Oh hi."
"I was wondering what your policies are on seeing Reps."
"What do you have?"
"A Probiotic."
"Oh like yogurt?"
"Well a yogurt is bovine bacteria and this product is human." (Why I go into this at this point I have no idea)
"Oh. You need to schedule a lunch."
"Ok when is a good time?"
"How about November 2nd, 2010?"
"Ummm...(looking at phone schedule that took me 30 minutes to scroll to) oh ok I'm free."

It is the most bizarre job and I don't think many people would want to do it. You have to walk into a cranky office and try to get the Receptionists to like you, to want you to come to lunch. And when you finally do have lunch it is expensive and in some of the creepiest locations.

Yesterday I had lunch at a really nice OB/GYN office. When I reached the lunch room I realized that my eating area was 1 foot away from the autoclave (where they sterilize OB/GYN tools). And not only where the tools are sterilized but where they are dropped off...after each exam.

So there I am pounding lo mien, beef and broccoli, and cashew chicken when in walks Lee with some recently used who-ha exam tools. Delicious! To top it of the physician told me 4-5 times that she really wanted to talk to me and to "pleeease wait I'm so sorry I'm just really busy" (I know I saw all the exam tools). Two hours later I'm wondering if the whole office thinks I'm a total chump for keeping the autoclave company. What did I do for two hours? Smile at the Medical Assistants bringing in the tools, read my fave blog 'selfabsorbed.me', and ate my face off.

When I finally got summonsed into the doctor's office she said I'm really sorry, thank you for waiting, I'm swamped, you'll have to talk while I multitask. OooooK. So I did. She listened and I left after 45 seconds.

And do I meet hot doctors? No, they don't seem to exist.

Curtsy. That is my freaking job.

What The Hell Happened Here?

Time for another round of What The Hell Happened Here:



Yes those are cheese singles at the bottom of the pic.

Lost in The Amazon

I fell in love with a hardcover book in Barnes and Nobles. The artwork, the title, the subject. But it cost more than I wanted to spend. So I went on Amazon.com and ordered one for half the price. I was so proud of my impulsive buyer restraint. Then I got the book in the mail. Not only was it not the hardcover but the flimsy one-layer of brown paper packaging had ripped and the pages were bent. My heart instantly sunk. My mother, brother, and I love new books especially hardcovers. My brother and I stopped lending books out to people other than each other because we want them all to ourselves. The stacks on the shelf are a visual testament to our love of reading. We like the way they still look new after reading them. Therefore receiving this crap version of 'Johannes Cabal the Necromancer' made me want to openly sob in the US Post Office. I felt duped.

I decided to contact the seller and make it clear there was a misunderstanding. He wrote back stating it was my fault, that I didn't read the "description of the book". Funny because following the title was "[Hardcover]". That was when I decided to give him terrible feedback. He then proceeded to send me the following 3 emails on my personal email account (copied and pasted):

1) The item description clearly stated that it was the ADVANCE READING COPY. This is why it was brought to you at such a low price. Also, most books are not shipped in a box. If you want to make something "right," I urge you to first read the packaging slip. Thanks for your time.

2) Did you have a bad weekend or something?

3) You are probably going to win this one, but please read the item descriptions before you just click buy. Unless you did this on purpose. In which case good work.

I don't know about you but I would constitute this as harassment. I never wrote back to the guy and he continued to write me? Last night I hop on the Face Book to find a friend request. I always love the friend requests because you never know who it could be. An old friend, an ex, nope it was the book seller. Yup. The 24 year old and his wife asking me to be their friend on Face Book. Instantly a rush of fear flooded through me. This guy knows my address, email and has found me on Face Book. Does this '06 Ohio State graduate have nothing better to do in Mansfield, Ohio? Should I be expecting a Kaczynski birthday gift in the mail next? Is it a coincidence that the protagonist in the book sold his soul to the devil? Could my desire to get half off a book be considered damnable? Should I have truly thought about the subject matter and who I was buying from? Is the seller Johannes in the flesh?

My guess is he is just an arrogant, testosterone filled, married (thanks Face Book), 24 year old who thinks it's funny to harass someone who didn't get what they wanted via Amazon.

I contacted Amazon last night and had the worst customer service ever. I spent 2 hours trying to file a report. Two hours on and off the phone just trying to state that one of their sellers is a nutcase. To top it off I am awaiting the arrival of another book that I ordered 3 weeks ago. I will never ever use Amazon again. Or eBay. I don't care if this is a rare occurrence I will NEVER go through this again.

Barnes and Nobles I will pay you full price any time and I am sorry that I strayed. I learned my lesson.

P.S. Face Book is beginning to scare me

Just Say No to Facial Hair

Why? Why do guys grow beards? Are they hiding from the world like chicks who cannot bring themselves to ever cut their hair? You know the women who are grey and have hair down to their hamstrings? Just cut it. It is not going to bleed if you do. It is not an appendage. Ok back to beards.

Another guy I work with asked me how I liked his mustache/beard combo a day earlier. My response "sure, but chicks hate having their faces beat up by facial hair". I remember making out with a guy one time with some stubble. I said good night after a long make out session and looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. It looked like I had been making out with a cheese grater. It felt that way too.

Please enlighten me why they feel the need to grow facial hair. Do they think it's masculine, sexy, tough? Ok it is buuuuut, it's mean and it will mangle. Next time I meet a guy with facial hair and he wants to make-out I am going to put my hand on his face and shove it away. "You will not over-exfoliate my face thank you! Goodnight!"

What the Hell is Going on Here?

This is a new game called 'What the Hell is Going on Here?' It is up to you to come up with a scenario for the picture. I will describe what is going on here since it is hard to see. To the far left of the picture you see a guy who is only wearing a Speedo. There was a group of six of these Speedo wearers running around Central Park singing to people.

So what the hell do you think was going on here?

No sight in NYC

I'm walking home the other night and the picture you see above is exactly what I saw. It is a blind man walking in NYC. Now my first thought was probably your first thought: How the hell does he get around in New York City? I can see perfectly and I still have a hard time trying to keep myself from splattering all over a taxi cab windshield. Since I drank four beers right before this encounter I thought "I could ask him how he does this" but I just walked by him. And just as I was questioning how he was going to cross the street he says "sir could you help me across the street?". I turned around to see I was the only one around him. I said "sure" and he emphatically apologized for calling me sir.

I had to link my arm around his to help him cross. As we did he says "you know I may never need someone to do this again". "Oh really?" I reply. "Yes because I am getting stem cells from John Hopkins in three months." He has been visually impaired since 2 months old. He can distinguish light and dark and vaguely make out shapes. That is why he thought I was a guy. He could tell I had a baseball cap on but that's it (oh and I probably reeked of beer). And now he has the chance to see for the first time at the age of 62. So we talked some more about what that means to him and how he would gladly risk his life for the chance at gaining his sight. Wanna cry? Yeah I did too.

He lives a couple of doors down from me and I am truly excited for him. Where are the stem cells coming from? According to him, from is own body. Thank goodness for science!

One of my favorite parts of the conversation is a story that his friend sent him an email and the computer read it to him. He made his friend throw in some swear words just to hear the computer lady swear. And he called emails "computer letters".

I will keep you updated on any developments.

I Wish I Was a Little Bit Taller, I Wish I Was a Baller...

I wish I could fix my goddamn toilet. Why can't we be born programmed to fix everything?! Running/non-flushing toilets, cars, electrical...stuff. All stuff that always needs fixing. You know what I mean. I have a road bicycle and I have no idea how to take care of it. When something breaks I have to bring it to a bike shop where they act like I'm an ass because I can't change a flat. Fuck-off douche-riders. I'm paying you, so you should be kissing my ass. Now my mom and dad taught me how to do a lot of stuff but I've realized the only repairs I'm good at are Jerry-Rig-ing shit like MacGyver. Duct tape helllooo. But when my stupid ass toilet gets fixed by my Super then two days later screws up again I wanna rip my freaking hair out and stomp around my apartment slamming my one (bathroom) door. So now I have to call him into my tiny personal space AGAIN to show me how to fix the stupid thing this time because obviously my Super is a Jerry Rigger too.

Sunshine, rainbows, unicorns...

The Rachel Zoerexia Project

I love The Rachel Zoe Project sans the wildfire of "I-Die"s. I love fashion and "I-Die", for the most part, to have Rachel Zoe's job. I would love to dive into an in-ground pool full of accessories and shoes. To be able to vintage shop blowing $5,000-$20,000 per trip. But why is she complaining that the tabloids are calling her pin thin? I mean she obviously works very hard at starving herself so why not own it like Gwen Stefani does (she has been dieting since the 6th grade). Just looking at her on t.v. (which adds how many pounds?!) I cannot imagine what she looks like in person. So for all the kids in America who want to look like her (who? I dunno but I'm sure there are plenty) why doesn't she own up to the fact that a) she doesn't eat b) what she does, comes out shortly after and c) her spazziness/anxiety/twitchiness is due to all the diet pills she's on. I mean her clavicles could poke some one's eye out... but then of course they would break due to osteoporosis.

Oh Zoe Zoe Zoe...of course you and Ricci are BFFs. Who else would you have to compete with in the ultra, super, major, anorexic, feather-weight class besides 8 year olds? Oh I'm sorry. I'll throw in Mary-Kate Olson for the trifecta.

Off to stuff my face with an enormous sandwich and watch her via DVR...

Jogging 101

There should be a class taught in NYC to people who decide they are going to start jogging in public. RULE 1: BUY APPROPRIATE CLOTHING. Since moving here I have seen women jogging in jeans, unfit men jogging in bare-all spandex onesies, shirts off (on people i don't want to look at even with shirts on), high black socks, and hosiery. You read that right, hosiery. His name is "Elegant" Elliot Offen, a Howard Stern "Whack Pack-er". Now had someone warned me of this regular sighting in my neighborhood I would have been prepared. But I was not. I saw someone run past me in a white t-shirt and what I thought were very short shorts. Nope, not shorts, but nude control top pantyhose sans shorts. His chin length hair was streaked in blue and red and pulled into a Bam-Bam style pony on top of his head. And the best part was the old school Walkman tape player. I managed to suppress my vomit long enough to actually look at his face. He had the most scowly (no other way to describe) face I'd ever seen and seemed to be running away from the source creating the scowl. What was the source? My guess would be life. The next time I saw him he was wearing a woman's black leotard thong and black opaque stockings. Lord have mercy is right. I can't believe my eyes didn't melt on the spot.

So the moral of this blog is not to encourage putting on make-up or expensive running clothes but just wear clothes. No one wants to see your bits or scowls. Riiiight. And yes that is him below. You're welcome.

She Works Hard For The Money

So you can apparently make money on blogs. I made 41 cents in two weeks but most of the revenue came after the Nerd Alert blog. Why you ask? I don't know but I think it has to do with the fact I mentioned Crocs. so I wonder if I can mention major labels if I will get enough views to bring in some bank. Do I really think I can succeed? No. But I will do a lot of things for a dollar, dollar bill y'all.

What brands would you mention? I'm gonna throw out a few...Crocs, Chanel (they clearly go hand-in-hand), Burberry, Dior (go big or go to TJ Maxx), Campbell's Soup (why not?), Snuggie (gotta reprezent the infomercials), SHAMWOW (that clearly deserved caps), Ore-Ida Fries (...are delicious), Papa Gino's (...is amazing), Jiffy Lube (...is an amazing name), Apple, iPod, Mister Smoothie (kicks all other soft-serves' asses), BMW (not sure why that came up), Frye (because I am obsessed with my new shoes), ZAPPOS (heart them), eBay (not in love with them right now), Jesus (the biggest brand I know), Fleet Foxes (just because I love their music), Brooklyn Vegan (love listening on SIRIUS), Bryant Park Project (looove them but way too early in the AM on NPR), Spaghetti-O's (no explanation needed).

I think that's all I have in me tonight...we'll see if this brings in the money train. Probably not but I ain't too proud to beg.

UPDATE 9/6/09: This did not work. I'm still at 41 cents.